Fear…

THE dream stuck with me the following day.

I went into labour, not knowing I was pregnant and gave birth to a premature s/he with a full set of teeth and no right hand. S/he gazed adoringly at me and I felt a queasy mixture of distrust, passion and commitment.

It kind of speaks volumes about the stuff going on at the moment. It’s all still TBC (to be confirmed) so I can’t say too much but let’s just call it ‘free falling’.

So ‘free falling’ isn’t a secure thing. It’s not the springy safety net that catches you when you land, it’s the weightless, adrenalin-fuelled whoosh through thin air… it’s terrifying.

It’s where my path is leading. Apparently. A precipice for me to leap off into the blue yonder.

But back to my dream baby.

I loved s/he with a sense of duty but couldn’t seem to get anything right. In the dream I was trying to find baby and I a new home – affording little more than a tiny apartment with a childless friend known for her parties. It was only after an entire day spent moving that I realised s/he hadn’t been fed the ENTIRE time.

In fact, I don’t think I fed s/he once during the dream. S/he seemed to exist on the fact alone that I cared about her. S/he didn’t need milk, nappy changes, baths, naps. I also kept leaving her behind. Despite his/her preciousness, I would have that awful pit-of-your-stomach dread when I realised I’d left him/her somplace else.

But it pained me most that s/he had no write hand – see what I did there? No “write” hand? Ooh, the symbolism – and wouldn’t be able to do the things I crave in my daily life.

It’s all fear. Fear of failing. Failing my babies, failing my ambition.

Now, ‘free failing’ (oh, the wordplay goes crazy today!) is something I’ve watched people do countless times and they bounce happily around until they find their feet. Simple. But I have two children, two houses… ‘free falling’ better end in a pile of cash or I will be moving into a share house with care-free groovers. *shudders.

Advertisements

1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Trackback: Gimme some kind of sign… « PetaJo

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: